Tag Archives: Satire

John Calvin 3:16-21

16 For God so loved the elect, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever of the elect believeth in Him shall not perish in the fire God created for those he hath predestined to burneth for all eternity, but have everlasting life.

17 For God sent his Son into the world to condemn the heathen to hell and save only those who acknowledge they have no choice but to repent and do exactly as God says.

18 Whosoever be amongeth the elect is not condemned, but whosoever is among the damned stands condemned already because God’s sovereignty wills it.

19 This is the verdict: Light has come unto the elect, but all the other men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were predestined to be evil.

20 For everyone who doeth evil must hateth the light, and shall not come into the light because they have no choice but to doeth evil.

21 So he that doeth truth cometh to the light by the TULIP, that his deeds may be made manifest through reformed theology, that they are all forced by God.

NOTE: This article was first published in The Wittenburg Door, March/April, 2007 and was reprinted by permission in Christian Ethics Today.  Check out more satirical articles here at the blog:  “Romans 13: The Patriotic Version”…”The Sermon on the Hill (American Beatitudes)”.

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Romans 13: The Patriotic Version

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1 Everyone must give full support to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The government that exists has been established by the Almighty.

2 Consequently, he who rebels against the government is rebelling against what God has divinely instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. a

3 For rulers hold no threat to those who do what they deem as right, but for those who do what they deem as wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then pledge your full allegiance and do not ask questions, then he will protect you.

4 For the government is God’s servant to do only good. But if you do wrong, be very afraid, for the government does not kill and blow people away for nothing. The government is God’s servant, an agent of truth, justice, and the American way for all those who need democracy.

5 Therefore, it is necessary to fully support the government, not only because of the fear of being blown off the map, but because everyone would despise you if you didn’t.

6 This is also why you pay taxes, for the government is God’s missionaries, who give their full time to spreading the gospel of God’s peace by violence and oppression in the name of democracy.

7 Give everything you have to the government because “Caesar is Lord.” If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor then honor; if killing for the government, then kill for the government. b Freedom is not free!

8 Let some debts remain outstanding, especially if it is for your comforts and hedonistic lifestyles, for he who kills for the sake of worldly comforts has fulfilled the law.

9 The commandments, “Do not have only one wife,” “Do not leave your family helpless,” “Do not be content,” and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: “Do what thou wilt in the name of love.”

10 Love means you may have to kill your neighbor. Therefore this kind of love is the fulfillment of the law.

11 And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our freedoms are always being threatened by the axis of evil that have breached the peace on our sacred soil.  12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us vote the Democrats out of office with their secular laws and place conservative Christian Republicans in their rightful place of power.

13 Let us behave decently, as in the days of our forefathers, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in treason and rebellion. 14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the red, white, and blue as the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to live like Christ in every way. c

footnotes:

a This does not apply to the American Revolution. The Word of God does not apply when chains of tyranny are placed upon free people who have been endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights.

b Our own Lord Jesus said we are to “give to Caesars what is Caesars.” Give him your taxes and your whole being for his worldly kingdom purposes. The Kingdom of God and the kingdoms of this world are one. War is a necessary evil. It must be done. We should be proud we killed people for our freedoms, but we should not feel like we have to talk about the gruesome effects of war. We should be proud, but we should find little pleasure in killing innocent civilians. If you are feeling guilty and ashamed for your actions just read Augustine’s Just War principles. “Blessed is the man who lays his life down for his brother in arms.” There is power in the blood of soldiers and in the blood of Jesus.

c 1 John 2:6 does not mean that we should really live like Jesus. Some people believe we should live like Christ and the apostles, but this is a common misconception. There is no way we can live like Christ. Therefore, we conclude that we try to live like Jesus as best as we can. This is where we learn to compartmentalize our faith and not become so heavenly minded that we are no earthly good. Praise God for the illumination of our forefathers and their documents (The Declaration of Independence, The Constitution, the Jefferson Bible, and the writings of Benjamin Franklin). We reject any claim that the God of our founding fathers was the god of deism. These men were good men that read their Old Testament and the history of the Holy Roman Empire. If the Son has set you free . . . you are free to do whatever you want in the name of peace.

 

This was first published in Christian Ethics Today, Issue 65, p.8


The Sermon on the Hill

WARNING: RELIGIOUS SATIRE!

The Sermon on the Hill (The American Beatitudes)
Matt. 5:1-16

One day as he saw the politicians gathering, Jesus went up the steps of the capital and stood behind a podium with The Statue of Freedom looming overhead. The Senate gathered around him, 2 and he began to address them.

 

The American Beatitudes

 

3 “Blessed are those who have a military-industrial complex and realize their need to secure their economic interests in the Middle East, for the kingdoms of the world are theirs.

4 Blessed are those who are hedonistic, for they will be satisfied.

5 Blessed are those who are proud and arrogant, for they shall rape and pillage the whole earth.

6 Blessed are those who lust for power and prosperity and call it “justice,” for they will have comforts.

7 Blessed are those who show no mercy, for they will never be in need of it anyway.

8 Blessed are those whose hearts are peacefully wicked, for they shall be gods.

9 Blessed are those who kill for peace, for they will be called the “good” children of God.

10 Blessed are the persecutors of evil men (i.e. those who threaten Pax Americana), for the kingdoms of the world are theirs.

11 Blessed are you when people burn your precious flag and curse you because you destroyed their homes and killed their loved ones.  These evildoers simply have not understood the power and salvation of redemptive violence.  My followers must understand, when we talk about war… we are really talking about peace.

12 Be happy when people curse you for this!  Be very glad!  For great is your reward on earth.  And remember, every empire before you was cursed for the same things.

13 You and you alone are the salt of the earth.  But what good is salt if it has been corrupted by dirty Mexicans from the South and cave-dwelling Muslims from the east?  They should be shot like the Indians and dumped in the sea like slaves.  They are worthless!  This is your manifest destiny!

14 You and you alone are the light of the world—an idolatrous city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.

15 No one buys alcohol and gets drunk alone.  Instead they share their maddening wine with everyone in the world until everyone has had their fill!

16 In the same way, let your American ways spew out for all to taste, so that everyone will embrace carnal living and let freedom ring!”


* This article was published in Christian Ethics Today (Winter 08/ Issue 068). See more of my satire “John Calvin 3:16-21” and “Romans 13: The Patriotic Version” at CET: www.christianethicstoday.com


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