16 For God so loved the elect, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever of the elect believeth in Him shall not perish in the fire God created for those he hath predestined to burneth for all eternity, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent his Son into the world to condemn the heathen to hell and save only those who acknowledge they have no choice but to repent and do exactly as God says.
18 Whosoever be amongeth the elect is not condemned, but whosoever is among the damned stands condemned already because God’s sovereignty wills it.
19 This is the verdict: Light has come unto the elect, but all the other men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were predestined to be evil.
20 For everyone who doeth evil must hateth the light, and shall not come into the light because they have no choice but to doeth evil.
21 So he that doeth truth cometh to the light by the TULIP, that his deeds may be made manifest through reformed theology, that they are all forced by God.
NOTE: This article was first published in The Wittenburg Door, March/April, 2007 and was reprinted by permission in Christian Ethics Today. Check out more satirical articles here at the blog: “Romans 13: The Patriotic Version”…”The Sermon on the Hill (American Beatitudes)”.