Matt. 6:19-34 (TBN/Prosperity Version)

¹⁹ And Jesus continued saying unto them, “Store up your treasures on earth, where you can replace your $900 suit the moths ate and trade in your rusty ol’ car for a Benz! Thieves won’t even think about breaking in with all of the security alarms you will own.

²⁰ Sow your seed today and receive riches in the here and hereafter. ²¹ Wherever Jesse, Kenneth, and Creflo are, there your treasure will be also!

²² “You should keep a sharp eye out for those opportunities that might bring comfort to your body. ²³ If you don’t have a keen carnal eye, your will body will miss out on milk baths, daily massages, and the finest foods heaven has to offer. Do not settle for humble living when you are co-heirs with King Crouch!

²⁴ “Yes, you can serve two masters. As the prosperity prophet Jesse Duplantis has told you, ‘God is good, but God and money are better.’ You can do more ministry than me, if you will trade in your donkey for three $20 million dollar jets! Again, I say to you, you can serve both God and money!

²⁵ “That is why I tell you not to worry about your money—whether you will hoard and accumulate your wealth or give your excess away. It really doesn’t matter so much. Although it is more blessed to hoard than to give away.

²⁶ Look at the great prosperity preachers who have paved the road before you… great men of the Holy Ghost faith—Rev. Lee, Rev. Bakker, and the late Reverend Professor Gene ‘Scary Man’ Scott. They no longer sow or harvest or have to give away their money anymore, for they have achieved what I could not even do myself. If the Father took care of them, don’t you think he is capable of taking care of your simple carnal desires? Aren’t you kind of sort of as valuable to the Father as these men? Besides, what are earthly material things compared to the bounties of heaven?

²⁷ “Can all your worries about the FBI finding your ministry ‘fraudulent’ add a single dollar to your life? ²⁸ And why worry about that? Don’t you believe the Father can protect you from your enemies? Is He not greater than the FBI or RICO or the U.S.P.S.? You will have the best lawyers money can buy. Even if you are convicted, you can bounce back, even as Peter Popoff has returned!

²⁹ Solomon thought he was something to gloat over. Don’t you know you can have more women than he ever dreamed of? He had wives and concubines… you shall have ex-wives and a myriad of mistresses (i.e. “partners in evangelism”).

³⁰ And since God cares so much that you be healthy, wealthy, and wise, He will also expect you to take Paula White’s dieting program. To preach hours-on-end, proof-texting and asking for money, you must have the stamina of Jimmy Swaggart on Viagra and the endurance of ‘Screaming Boy’ Jonathan Bell, who wrestles with the devil every night before he goes to bed!

³¹ “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘Should I have three mansions or four? Should I drive the Cadillac or the Rolls-Royce? Should I wear silver or gold jewelry?’ ³² These things can surely rob you of your joy. The devil and all his demons would love to tempt you with middle-class living. They desire for you to grow tired of your endless choices and settle for less than God’s best. You must resist them with the power you receive from touching Benny Hinn’s hands on the television screen! In the name of ‘Robert Tilton,’ command them to go back to hell from whence they came!

³³ Seek first the Kingdom of Crouch, and live luxuriously, and he will give you everything your flesh desires. ³⁴ So don’t worry about tomorrow, for not even God himself could stop TBN from broadcasting in English to every poor wretch in the world.”

Printed in TheWittenburgDoor July/August 2007, p. 9.

D.D. Flowers, 2012.