Category Archives: Satire

The Sermon on the Hill

WARNING: RELIGIOUS SATIRE!

The Sermon on the Hill (The American Beatitudes)
Matt. 5:1-16

One day as he saw the politicians gathering, Jesus went up the steps of the capital and stood behind a podium with The Statue of Freedom looming overhead. The Senate gathered around him, 2 and he began to address them.

 

The American Beatitudes

 

3 “Blessed are those who have a military-industrial complex and realize their need to secure their economic interests in the Middle East, for the kingdoms of the world are theirs.

4 Blessed are those who are hedonistic, for they will be satisfied.

5 Blessed are those who are proud and arrogant, for they shall rape and pillage the whole earth.

6 Blessed are those who lust for power and prosperity and call it “justice,” for they will have comforts.

7 Blessed are those who show no mercy, for they will never be in need of it anyway.

8 Blessed are those whose hearts are peacefully wicked, for they shall be gods.

9 Blessed are those who kill for peace, for they will be called the “good” children of God.

10 Blessed are the persecutors of evil men (i.e. those who threaten Pax Americana), for the kingdoms of the world are theirs.

11 Blessed are you when people burn your precious flag and curse you because you destroyed their homes and killed their loved ones.  These evildoers simply have not understood the power and salvation of redemptive violence.  My followers must understand, when we talk about war… we are really talking about peace.

12 Be happy when people curse you for this!  Be very glad!  For great is your reward on earth.  And remember, every empire before you was cursed for the same things.

13 You and you alone are the salt of the earth.  But what good is salt if it has been corrupted by dirty Mexicans from the South and cave-dwelling Muslims from the east?  They should be shot like the Indians and dumped in the sea like slaves.  They are worthless!  This is your manifest destiny!

14 You and you alone are the light of the world—an idolatrous city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden.

15 No one buys alcohol and gets drunk alone.  Instead they share their maddening wine with everyone in the world until everyone has had their fill!

16 In the same way, let your American ways spew out for all to taste, so that everyone will embrace carnal living and let freedom ring!”


* This article was published in Christian Ethics Today (Winter 08/ Issue 068). See more of my satire “John Calvin 3:16-21” and “Romans 13: The Patriotic Version” at CET: www.christianethicstoday.com


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